Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
You Might Also Like
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark