This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
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I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
who will stop them
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment