Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
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Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
oh shit
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Huge, if true.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright