CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
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Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Breaking news:
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.