You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
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Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs