Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
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My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it