My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
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Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea