I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
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Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
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I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.