If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
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No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice