My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
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ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd