the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
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Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.