My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
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If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
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Got ya covered
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.