Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
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I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Beware…..
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.