Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
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Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
do horses think humans are hats
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.