Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
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(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.