I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
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I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Yes my dude
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
You got this…
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.