if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
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Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
“Why you watching this shit?”
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea