Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
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How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Spring of Deception
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill