“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
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Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
This kinda thing happens to me often
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Natty or not?
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know