I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
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It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
when someone rings the doorbell
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough