4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
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I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
What a chick magnet..
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.