My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
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Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon