Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
You Might Also Like
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
LMAO.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok