GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
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*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.