you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
You Might Also Like
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
The Punning Dead.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Sharon, call the vet
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas