If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
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I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Sorry. Not sorry
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me: