I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
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“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.