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Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good