Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
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Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send