15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
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Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
s
oc
i
a
l
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
😅😅😅
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.