[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
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You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.