On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
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NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
How can I say no to this ?
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”