Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
You Might Also Like
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Dead sexy!!
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
This tweet has been deleted