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Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Me in tagged photos
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.