If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
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WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Doormats are a gateway rug.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.