What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
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I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Science memes
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭