At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
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Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
that colleague who touches your screen
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%