asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
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I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage