As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
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Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Anime is real
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit