1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
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So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces