It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
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I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
we’re gonna need another temp
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*