I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
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i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
How to find Kentucky on a map
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
The pasta is now
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.