(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
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Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
I have two kinds of followers
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear