I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
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Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.