Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
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Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.