You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
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Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
become ungovernable
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons