I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
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Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*