My only stock options are chicken and beef.
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I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.