The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
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*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…