I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
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Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
S O O N
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.